There's a polyamory group on Facebook that I'm in. It's about half memes and half requests for advice. I like about 5% of its posts asking for advice or help. They are interesting questions or serious introspection about what tools would be best to navigate some of the complexities that come up around nonmonogamy in a monogamous society. (Things like how to handle holidays when your family doesn't understand, or what tools are particularly useful when someone's going through bananapants new-relationship-energy and you feel like the old shoe.) The other 95% are posts by one in a couple who have recently opened up (we call them "polywogs"), usually in ways that are ethically….let's say inexperienced for the benefit of the doubt…although "questionable" might be more accurate. These posts (regardless of which member of the couple is asking") retread the same handful of questions over and over and over again. I wish I could blanket these posts with the following advice:
- Date separately. If you've recently opened up, do this deliberately and for a long time before you try to date as a couple. Trying to date the same person when you haven't even figured out nonmonogamy yourself is less ethical than you might think. It takes a lot of self-awareness and no-small-amount of experience to navigate a world that inculturates us into monogamy. Trying to onboard another person into a relationship that isn't absolutely nailing it with communication, open honesty, and each individual's introspection is a recipe for disaster and is going to hurt at least one person you care about.
- Hey, this is mostly for the dudes. Okay, so what if you ARE dating separately. First of all, good on you! But also….THERE IS NO DATING APP THAT IS GOING TO DO THE WORK FOR DUDES. They won't sign up and just….get attention. Femme-read folks tend to get too much attention. WAY too much—the vast majority of it crapfully crappier than the first half dozen Strongbad Emails. (Although they generally have to be considered conventionally attractive to really have their inbox explode.) Theirs is the curse of going through all the dross. Dudes get crickets. And tumbleweeds. And the old prospector sitting on the porch of a burnt out husk of a building who slowly lights a pipe and says "ain't no one been here in….oh, I'd say…fifty years." Theirs is the curse of silence. A moment's thought about how our culture does courtship, who has power, and who exposes themselves to violence every time they spend time with an unknown dude should make it obvious why this is. But everyone is cursed to struggle for genuine connection, and no app is going to be as easy as filling out the information and letting the sweet, sweet interest just roll in. That's not how it works. Ever.
- Okay, so you decided not to date separately. I warned you in my best "Beware the groove" voice, but here we are. You're looking to date together. And because of a number of factors almost always including the dude's fantasies and the dude's insecurities, you're looking to date a bisexual woman with your partner. Yes, what you're doing is unicorn hunting. No, it's not a problem if everyone gives enthusiastic, informed consent—and might not even technically be unicorn "hunting" per se. (Yakov Smirnoff voice: "In enthusiastic Russia, unicorn hunts YOU!") But HAVE they given informed, enthusiastic consent? Or are you missing one or both of those ingredients? Usually the "informed" part, because this person is some polywog who doesn't understand what couples' privilege looks like, how it will affect them when things come crashing down, and how to set up healthy boundaries around it. They have NO IDEA what they're about to get into. And that's not informed. That's predatory—on your part. Or maybe it isn't actually enthusiastic. Maybe someone isn't sure. Or maybe they're along for the ride because they want to gain (or don't want to lose) access to only ONE of you. Now you've created a situation in which it is only a matter of time before you detonate—not very ethical of the two of you.
- And for fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…(~deep breath~) uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck's sake, the above doesn't even consider power differentials. If someone is moving in because they're homeless, joining a "family" because they're being financially pinioned, don't feel like they can say no to this relationship without losing something, are being socially manipulated, are being pressured, badgered, or guilted, are obliged by some kind of arrangement (that isn't explicitly sex for money—got nothing against sex work here!) or otherwise are being cajoled into this dynamic, that is absolutely fucking deplorable and you need to stop interacting with anyone. For any reason. (Except maybe therapy.) Until/unless you knock that shit off.
- If you really care about this stuff like ethics and consent and open, honest communication, and preserving this relationship that you claim to value, you should be assimilating the advice of almost everyone who came before you, and having a lot of good conversations. You should NOT be pretending that the entire community of veterans just collectively woke up and decided to make up how problematic these dynamics can be in order to harsh your very entitled squee. It is INCREDIBLY specious of you to blow off as "kinshamers" literally entire communities who have done—or seen done—this very thing over and over and over and over (and over and over) and watched it fail spectacularly in the same way every time. It WILL. be. harmful. to everyone involved. And if you don't blow up every vestige of all four relationships*, one of the three of you will very likely end up "left" by the other two and have to mend a broken heart. Then, if you haven't sworn off nonmonogamy altogether you will be tomorrow's eye-roller trying to convince the next generation of unicorn hunters that this is an advanced move for a polywog, and they are not somehow special.
- I love group sex. I can't say enough good things about it. It's about as much fun as you can have without breaking the law—except in the states where it IS breaking the law and there it's tied with some….uh….OTHER stuff that…I absolutely never do. And I'm including Disney parks in that assessment. But you can bang it out (even regularly) in an ethical way that doesn't involve the dynamics of "trying to find a third" and all the deeply problematic tropes that this type of search so, so, SO often falls into.
- Is that third you're looking for an independent person? Do they get to date separately from the two of you? Do they get to bang either one of you while the other isn't there? Are they allowed to not like threesomes that much? Can they keep their own living arrangements? Will they be encouraged to have their own activities, interests, income, and life outside of your relationship? If you've answered no to ANY of these questions, this isn't ethical, and someone's going to get hurt. Does one of you have veto if it doesn't work—the ability to slam the breaks on the whole thing and just go back to monogamy—dumping the third? Will you make big financial and life decisions without them like when to have kids or buy property? Are you going to keep right on telling family and friends and coworkers that you're a couple and keep them as your dirty little secret? If you've answered yes to ANY of these questions, someone's going to get hurt. I'm not saying you can't stay "in the closet" strategically, but this person is going to exist outside of your bedroom and it isn't fair to them to act like they don't.
- Another one mostly for the dudes. As a reformed whiner about how hard it is to meet femme-read folks, even in non-monogamous circles, please let me assure you that you won't whine your way into anyone's DMs. You. Will. Not. EVER. Do This. Self confidence is hot and this is whatever the opposite of that is. They don't owe you attention. They don't owe you a chance. They don't owe you a date, sex….anything. I hear your complaints that some people are better at this. Some are hotter. Some are suaver. Some have the skibbidy Ohio rizz, They are so sigma. You're right. They are. They do. But don't be L-rizz about it. There will ALWAYS be someone to compare yourself to unfavorably. If only you were a blistering hot extrovert, right? If only you could work a room. If only you had a six pack and chiseled pecs. Maybe, but whatever. Stop whining—I absolutely promise you up one side and down the other that your lack of confidence is literally 90% of your problem. The whining isn't doing you ANY favors. I'm an introvert too. I'm cute but I'm not some unfathomable smoke show. I don't get messages on dating apps except to be immediately benched. I have to meet people. I have to talk to people. I have to form relationships, and then ONCE in a while….cute people tell me that I'm starting to smell like a legit snack.
- Dudes need to go do shit they enjoy and just…..meet people. They need to stop thinking there is some door in the nonmonogamous world they can walk through…some app they can download…some group they can be a part of…some party…some place…SOMEWHERE where they don't need to put themselves out there and meet people and to get to know their potential sex partners. Somewhere where women and femme-read folks will just walk up to them and say, "I am for you James Smith," without them ever having to be interesting or charming or funny or just…fucking outrageously hot or SOMETHING. And asking women to do the propositioning or ask "where should I go to meet…" isn't really going to change this answer.
- Date separately. Seriously. Either date separately, go be swingers (got nothing against that if it's your jam), or be ready for everything to fall apart after a couple of encounters. Group sex is fun. (No, seriously, it's a LOT of fun.) Cruise together. Invite the people you're dating separately to join both of you once in a while. Have fun with it. But fuck, listen to me when I promise you to infinity and beyond that group RELATIONSHIP dynamics are basically impossible to try to engineer intentionally with such a specific result in mind. Add one person to a dyad and you've added THREE additional relationship dynamics. If you can't date separately, you're definitely not ready for that.
- *That's right. A triad has four relationships. Each person has their own unique dynamic with each of the other two, and the three of you have a relationship as a trio that has its own dynamic. Two of you might be hot and heavy sexually while the other two talk for hours and the three of you may enjoy neither of those things but love watching Netflix together. They're EACH their own relationship and you can't force ONE relationship to be what you want it to be—never mind four. Each of those relationships needs its own emotional availability, nurturing, and support for this to work. No relationship involving more than one person is going to have every member liking every other member equally. Ever. EVER. If someone is going to be insecure about that when it happens (and it will), the entire thing is going to explode. Every time. Always.
- If you and your partner have intentional hierarchy with veto, you have to understand that it will get used EXACTLY when you don't want it to the most. Always. THE MOST. Your enthusiasm for what is happening is going to be a threat, and if they have the power to stop it in its tracks, they will—even just to know you WOULD stop if they demanded it.
- Date separately. You'll know when you're ready when something organic starts kind of just…happening, and trust me that it'll STILL be incredibly difficult to navigate all those emotions and relationships and logistics. But when you're first starting…just…. Okay, you know those video games that "let" you go anywhere, but there are clearly ways that are WAY too hard until you've leveled up and have the gyro cannon powered over 9000? This is like that. Yeah you can, but…like…I promise you shouldn't. Pinkie swear.
- The reason so many of the poly vets avoid folks with hierarchy and veto is not because every single independent polyam community has been struck by cultish groupthink…somehow simultaneously…and all the same way. It's because we've had our fucking hearts broken by people who we weren't in relationships with and didn't consent to give control over our relationships to. If some jealous spouse is controlling when, what, where, and even IF we can have a relationship, we're going to be super extra wary and vigilant. You fall in love and their partner gets insecure and vetos you…that's a stepped-on-Lego to the heart that you don't want to go repeating.
- So you're dating (hopefully separately) but now you have….rules. When and where and how and who and how often and… and…and…. Okay fine. Polywogs tend to start with a lot of "Thou shalt not…"s and evolve into talking about what's coming up in their feelings and what they need or want (as a positive request) later on. But hear me on this: One-penis policies are gross. At the very very very least, they are assuming sex with a penis is somehow "real," and two people with vulvas getting together is not going to be a threat to that penis-haver or (worse) is there for some dude's enjoyment. That's some unmitigated heteronormative crap. And that's the BEST-CASE scenario. When you actually unpack that shit, you're probably going to find homophobia and transantagonism driving the fear of "certain plumbing" before someone has even finished the first couple of sentences doing their best diplomatic effort to explain why the OPP is not wildly problematic.
- Okay, so you're dating. And she's only "allowed" to date other women, but says that's okay because it's all she wants. Is she REALLY not into other guys or is this relationship at a resentment "simmer" already? Because that's going to go okay until it doesn't. Look, there are a few reasons the guy she opened up with might be the only dude in her life, but none of them is likely to be that she just magically desires ONLY the relationship structure that he finds least threatening. (If she's really mostly gay, for example, but that's likely to be obvious and not about what makes him insecure.) In twenty-five years, what I've found far more likely is that the guy in this couple is just being controlling and misogynist in a way that does not belong in ETHICAL non-monogamy. Either his behavior when she dates dudes is SOFA KING awful that it's simply not worth it (gross), or they explicitly have some rule about her dating other dudes (extra gross), which if anyone gave a moment's thought, they would realize this couple wouldn't actually need (as a "rule") if this was what everyone enthusiastically wanted anyway. I've seen too many weak smiles well away from the tender egos of husbands and boyfriends (along with the confessions of "well, that's all he can handle right now, so I just have to deal with it") not to be very, VERY skeptical.
- Watching sapphic relationships blow up heterosexual relationships just as fast (or often faster) than their dude counterparts, or watching women fall for guys even though they’re not "supposed" to want such a thing (~or~ the PARTICULARLY telling case where the relationship involves someone trans who has a penis [oh noes!], and then all kinds of problematic shit hits overdrive where penises are magical and vulvas aren’t attached to “real” relationships)…. if there is one thing I have learned, it is that when a heteronormative dyad tries to convince everyone that their one-penis policy is on the up and up by swearing that everyone is enthusiastically consenting, somebody is—and usually two somebodies are— not being fully honest. That shit has some real, "I'm GLAD you wished Pa into the cornfield" vibes.
- Have I mentioned date separately?
- Dudes, if you opened up a monogamous, heterosexual dyad for all the hot sex in the world you were sure you'd be getting just the MINUTE the ink dried, and now she's off having hot dates with people she cares about, and you can't handle it, so you shut the whole thing down, understand that you are about to create a swirling vortex spew of your entitlement and her resentment, and that every fourth or fifth damn post in ANY polyamory group is going to be about a person JUST. LIKE. YOU.
- Fucking date separately.
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